Desi dogs do it Indianstyle. Outrage is fat-free, so gratifying and comes cheap at wholesale rates. An all-new season of bash-a-Moslem begins and we expect high TRPs.
Another self righteous deshbhakt whines about the politicunts while doing a jai mata di on the brave boys in uniform.

This is no worse than we deserve, putting our faith in age and caste loyalties. We prefer the criminally senile in our nation’s highest offices. It allows us to bitch indulgently at the regular little accidents involving colostomy bags. Local sentiments are easily represented by facial hair, and the state has a Chief Moustache and the Deputy Chief Moustache parading their cheap dye-jobs in front of the TV cameras. The crowd cheers.

The equipment and training of our cops (even the AntiTerrorismSquad) is no secret and has once again been tragically highlighted. Call the cops when you want bomb scenes trampled on, or random poor Muslims Confessioned and/or Encountered.

Over two decades of assorted terror attacks across the country, and there is still is no operationally capable central crisis management team or protocols in place. There are no established lines of communication between the police, army, paramilitary, intelligence and special forces (SF). Each is suspicious of and barely capable of operating with the other, leading to further tragic one-upmanship.

The first consequence of this reinforces the charming Indian trait of arriving hours after the party has started. The geriatric politicunts and supply-stealing generals have to be woken up and informed through three layers of aides. The first few hours are usually spent on trying to figure when the Cabinet Committee for Security will meet and the diabetic snacks on offer. This time the SF were only 4 hours late.

Indian security analysts and journalists still get adolescent stiffys when they see black coveralls and bandanas, and are at the vanguard of the witless chest thumping about our boys in nomex. (example: the popular, unsubstantiated fact that the dropout rate from the Indian SF training is higher than that of the American Seals. A fact that is immaterial when equipment and tactics are threadbare. Courage comes at the cost of a few hundred rupees over a basic rifleman’s salary.)

It has been decades now since we first witnessed the NSG and Marcos running through their hostage rescue drills. From Doordarshan days, on dusty firing ranges, abseiling down fastropes from choppers, retaking rickety buses and mock up airliners from lifesize paper cutouts of terrorists, with impressive success.
While the NSG does have the fairly shitty job of VVIP security, has it left them so dheela? And what about the “Marcos”? Are they waiting to hear someone shout “Polo”?

Firstly, these elite forces seem to have entered the three hostage situations without adequate assessment or strategy. From media reports, it seems there was a constant denial in accepting the numbers of hostages and the apparent tactics were reminiscent of a “take no prisoners” Tiger Hill style assault.
How could they go into the hotels without maps when such could have been easily gotten (for instance from the company contracted to maintain the AC system)?
How could they fail to secure access between wings in the case of both hotels?
How could they fail to establish perimeter security at Chabad/Nariman House.
How could they “not see when the terrorists put the lights out” when they are supposed to possess infra-red and thermal imaging equipment? Most likely the batteries were stolen by the Brigadier for his wife’s bedroom toys.
How could they so underestimate their foe and repeatedly claim over 48 hours that the situation will be under control “soon” and the terrorists only a “few”? Did they debrief any witnesses/ hostages who might have given them clues as to numbers and locations?

And what is it with the nomenclature? Operation Black Tornado and Operation Cyclone? Who the fuck are we trying to fool with these phallic Acts of God?!? Operation Blackish Turd or Operation Nightly Discharge, atleast a Nasbandi Operation, please?

This rant could carry on and on….one expects only no real change here, because perhaps none is required in the larger scheme of things. Despite the worldwide exposure of our incompetence, the overall PR brand India has received has many positives.Infinitely more dangerous to the nation are the growing divides of community, region and economics.The personal tragedies aside, these events aren’t really going make things markedly worse.

DickHeadlines Today just proclaimed “India has emerged victorious!” The hangers-on throng Karkare’s funeral, as his son performs the last rites simultaneously on 25 TV channels. CNN and the BBC demur.
Time moves surprisingly quickly when so many people have to get by.
We return with our regular conspiracy programming in the next segment.
BallBreak ke Baad.
*By Samir Parker

Glossary for non Hindustani Speakers
Desi: Local, native, Indian / South Asian
Deshbhakt: Patriot
Jai Mata Di: common Hindoo rallying cry in praise of Mother Goddess/Nation/Mummy
Colostomy bag: crapbag for those with defunct bowels, a common affliction in aged politicos. Perhaps something to with the years and years of shithittingthefan
Dheela: weak, loose, limp, ineffectual
Nasbandi: vasectomy
Ballbreak ke baad: After the ballbreak

Going Commando: Mumbai Heat

I heard the news today, Oh Boy …..
We have been pissing ourselves with glee as the page3 tip of the
Island has taken over all 24 hours of the news cycle on CNN and the BBC. Witlessly thrilling at the desi news channel logos popping up in the upper corners of western TV screens even as they seek to black out the chaddi adverts running at the bottom.

We cringe, mid snooze, even as the post-electoral Jonathan Mann explains the etymology of the Deccan "Peninsula", and wield the remote just in time to see Srinivasan Jain's beard crossfade into the billowing smoke.

Our reverie is tempered at times now by the desire to voodoo pinch Arnab's balls each time he whoops pompously about "your channel". But he is just doing his thing even as he is being (pooper)scooped by his yellow fellow journalists who may have even gone so far as to stage the nautanki of an aatanki terr-O-drama fone-in.

As the assorted criminal incompetencies of the good guys (no hotel blueprints?!) and the obvious capabilities of the bad guys makes it though a second tragic day, we are enslaved in the ultimate slow circle jerk and the bad guys have just upped their game. Amidst the compelling TV, it would appear that this is the opening gambit of a larger strategy.


As with the airplane attacks on the WTC Towers and Pentagon, one's first reaction (unabashedly acknowledged) was an awe for the men who did it. To plan and work towards your own death over months; the self discipline to execute complex, skilled procedures as your world ends requires courage and belief one could never have.

What one does have is perspective.

The successful strategy, tactics and coolheaded execution of a many-layered suicide mission point to a special-forces facilitation, if not actual operation. The field commanders would have had to recce and case the targets in great detail and drill their teams through possible scenarios in mocked-up environs. The force would have to be drawn from elite, battle-tested units; fighters who have fought together previously.

The quality of intel, planning, resources and execution almost certainly excludes the possibilities of any homegrown Mujahideen; still at the cycle-bomb and crude car-bomb stage. If the Kashmiri groups have the capability, they would prefer to target the security forces or Government in
Srinagar or New Delhi. This doesn't really help their cause.

As noises are being made about Al-Qaeda and/or the LeT, we reserve judgement and try to see what we do know and can infer.
Two standout points of the entire operation are
1. The explicit aim to stoke Western outrage and the blatant Pakistan connections coming to light.
2. The timing with regard to Bush's presidency, offering India has enormous political capital to claim redress.

Initial reports from a captured operative indicate he is from Faridkot in Pakistani Punjab, and yet we must ask: Cui bono? Who benefits?

Manmohan "SloMo" Singh has actually worked up the gumption to demand from Asif "Mr. 33.33%" Zardari that the ISI Chief be sent over for a good buggering. Hands-free Zardari was having a Palin moment and barely paused mid-stroke to not only agree with alacrity, but also to send the Army Chief over for some ass-to-mouth later. Pranab "Bedhead" Mukherji and Shivraj "How does he still have a job?" Patil are probably clanging bedpans with glee at the thought of expectorating their outrage to Generals Pasha and Kayani in person, and on TV generally, and are probably quite willing to let it be at that - until the next big fuck up. By which time it would be Somebody Else's Problem.

However, Zardari has also been caught unawares. He really digs India and benefits least from renewed friction on this front. Even as he moves to finesse the generals, figuring it will buy him some American goodwill and SMS votes when he appears on next season's BiggBoss, one key player is yet to be mentioned.

Bombay, Karachi and the Tapko-ing of 3 top cops can only lead to one man; one who either has a big hand in this or is being set up. More soon …

Watch this space.
...
By Samir Parker & Maya Ganesh